Monday, August 27, 2012

OF MOUSE AND 1ST MAN

What a day!  The "Zen Machine" (i.e. John Deere riding mower) is always willing to give me a new experience and this weekend was no different.

Let me set the scene.  Picture it...a lazy Summer afternoon in the country.  I was on my mower, big straw hat on, iPod going with earbuds in my ears listening to a little Adele, wearing my jeans, tshirt, and Brahma work boots.

I was about 10 minutes in when it felt like something was stinging the back of my calf.  A fire ant perhaps?  I ignored it for a second, and then felt it again.  So I reached down to scratch it. 

 I FELT A LUMP, SOMETHING CRAWLING...INSIDE MY PANTS!

It's amazing how fast the human brain works in a panic situation like that.  All I can say is that I'm glad I was in the country with no one around because it all went down something like this:




After a bit of profanities that would make a sailor blush, I reached down to see what it might be and lifted up on my jeans to create slack in the fabric. Whatever it was, quickly moved up into, um, let's just say, an area you don't want a creature to be.





At this point it was full on profanities and that's when it started; the strip show.  I jumped up, ripping the iPod earbuds out of my ears, sending Adele flying into the grass and then the straw hat came off sometime during my fall off the mower.  Thank God the John Deere has auto shutoff when you get off the seat or I could have lost a limb.

Now of course, it started to flash through my mind what could actually be sharing my clothing with me:






Could it be a snake that had been on the mower or inside the engine compartment and it just decided to slither out and up my pant leg?
Oh hell no, just kill me now.






Could I have run over something that stirred up  a swarm of bees, or hornets or wasps?  Was this destined to be my fate?  A blurb on the local news and an addition to the annual Darwin Awards website?











Or was it something like this, a freakish, genetic mutation of a spider that would make me a footnote in some medical journal as the first victim of a new killer species?  





As my mind raced at the possible outcomes, I felt something on my back.  Whatever it was had moved up and out the back of my pants and was scratching or clawing or biting its way up my back.  All I knew is that I had to get naked as quickly as possible (insert youthful indiscretion flashback here).  As I began running for the porch (like that would save me? What was there?), my shirt was the first victim.  I pulled it off and threw it on the ground.  The next thing I started to do was unzip my pants to take them off.  It was then that I realized my boots were laced up and I couldn't just kick them off no matter how hard I was trying.  Mental note, maybe tennis shoes would be more easily removed in the future.

Nevertheless, my pants came down.  Thankfully no photographs exist as I stumbled, shirtless, with my pants around my ankles, underwear only, up the stairs and onto the porch while screaming and releasing even more profanities.  Since there are no photos, I'll use this for your viewing pleasure:


So there I stand, heart racing, adrenaline pumping, in my underwear.  Wait, what was that dripping on my back?  Was that blood?  OMG, am I bleeding?  Oh wait, it was just sweat.  No gaping wounds, no puncture holes, I was intact.  Phew, but what was it that caused this potential public indecency charge?  I pulled my pants back up after looking around to make sure no one saw me
(um yeah, no, we're on 10 acres) and that's when I noticed it; the t-shirt that was on the ground was moving!

It was the moment of truth.  I lifted up the shirt with a broom handle:


OMG!!!!!!!!  KILLER MOUSE!!!!!!!!

Oh OK, fine....


It was a tiny, furry, brown field mouse.  Cute.  But let me tell you, when it's using its tiny, scratchy claws to make the journey from your ankle, up your leg, around areas you don't want it to be, out the back of your pants and up the back of your shirt, it certainly doesn't matter how "cute" it is.

He scurried into the underbrush near my discarded iPod.
Poor Adele.

I got dressed and then sat in a rocker on the porch to ponder the possibilities.
Was it in my boot?  When I get to the farm, I change clothes and put on the boots that are in the closet. I just stuck my foot in, laced it up, and went outside to mow.  Could it have taken a few minutes to wiggle out and then went up my sock on its journey to freedom?

Or, could it have been ON the mower, and as my legs were straight out on the pedals, it sought shelter in the dark tunnel of my pants leg?  Or maybe I ran over some brush and it escaped up onto the mower and again, up my pant leg?  

It goes without saying, I will check my shoes from now on.  And I might tuck my pants into my boots before I lace them up.

Just another weekend in the country!

41 comments:

Anonymous said...

I must NOT read your blog in my classroom as rolling on the floor laughing like a nutcase is NOT conducive to civility in a group of 8th graders.

Jane @ Hard Work Homestead said...

OH MY! I think that would have taken at least a year off my life. Thank goodness he didnt bite you. I can see several purchases of duct tape in your future. I bet you never have open cuffs on your pants again.

Anonymous said...

OMG. I just about spit coffee all over my screen. Funniest post ever. Glad you're ok and glad all came out in the end (no pun intended, ha). Thanks for a great laugh. Becca

Annie*s Granny said...

I.AM.DYING!!!!! I haven't laughed so hard in years! OMG, if it had been me and a snake, I'd have had the "For Sale" sign up before you could say "mouse".

Annie*s Granny said...

I must add to my comment.

Mr. Granny used to own a towing service, and worked with the local law enforcement agencies. One night, or very early morning, he got a call from the State Patrol and had to head out into the darkness to bring in a wrecked car. It was summer, very warm out, and he had left his driver's side window down. As he was rolling down the highway, he felt something large and furry grabbing his leg. He reached down, grabbed the unknown varmint, pulled it off of his leg and tossed it out the window. The next day, our neighbor came over to ask if we had seen her cat. She never found her cat, and we never told her what had happened. So sad, she had even named that cat after my youngest daughter!

ladyhawthorne said...

Oh goodness! Reminds me of a few years back when I was weed eating in the front yard. Stirred up a nest of yellow jackets and they are mean suckers that won't go away. I ran up to the porch which thankfully is mostly shielded from the neighbors because I had to strip off and get in the house...they wouldn't leave my clothes! I would much rather have had a mouse.

MTVA said...

Oh!!! You poor thing! But thank God it was not a snake! That would creep me out for the rest of my natural days. Keep those pants tucked in from now on!

I trimmed some tree branches and shrubs this morning, and was bent over tying up the brush when I had that creepy tickling feeling around my back and neck, and there dropped down in front of me a large brown spider. Ew. Ew. Ew. But a mouse is worse, I think!

nutmeg gardener said...

Oh my! Most definitely NOT a zen experience! I'd have been shrieking enough to be heard in the next state. Torn between laughing and shuddering as I read your very hilarious post! We used to have an aged neighbor who would shake her head at such things and say "country living!"

kristine barr said...

Funny! but not while it was happening chortle chortle!!

Robin said...

Too funny!! I can see it now!! I probably would have stripped down right where I was!!

Anonymous said...

Ditto what Granny said. FUNNIEST.POST.EVER. I love it. Well, not love what happened to you but love how you took something scary and made it into something fun. I like your attitude, ha. I hate mice and would have freaked OUT.

Veronica

Kelly said...

I would kill you for the picture of the snake if I weren't laughing so hard. You gave me some mental pictures that it will take me years of therapy to erase, but I'm laughing nonetheless!! Saturday I ran over a garter snake in my yard. Not on purposes but I am thankful there is one less snake in the world!!

Anonymous said...

"Oh hell no, just kill me now" - I hear ya! I always have a fear there's a snake under the mower deck after I uncover it. I bang and thump around on top and my husband always wonders what I'm doing (but he's used to me now!) Geat post!
Kathy

The Stay @ Home-Gardener said...

So, you must have been quite the sight all hysterical and stumbling about in your impromptu "penguin" impression.

Frugal Living UK said...

I love it! What a funny post. Wish it had all been caught on camera! I can think of better things to have, feeling their way up your trousers!

Alison said...

Poor Baby!! But I agree with Granny too. Awesome post and a story I've already shared with one co-worker (she was confused why I was laughing so hard). Oh! And thanks for the "Not Me" picture too! :-) Made my morning!

kymber said...

bahahahahahahahahha! oh you poor dear!!! but that is one funny story! and just another reason why i always recommend naked gardening!

your friend,
kymber

1st Man said...

Sorry! :-) But I'm glad I made someone laugh! Thanks for letting me know.

1st Man said...

Ha, maybe not quite a year for me but a few months at least, LOL! Yes, I actually thought about that after the fact, that I could have been bitten. Then I would have had a whole new set of worries. Hmm, duct tape, that wonderful ubiquitous solution to just about everything, I just might have to think about that.

1st Man said...

Sorry about your computer screen, haha. Yes, I'm ok and the mouse came out in the end (well, the top, ha). Thanks for stopping by!

1st Man said...

OMG Granny, your story of Mr. Granny is funny...that poor kitty cat. I'm sure it just ran off after he placed her outside. ;-)

A snake might have pushed me over the edge too, ha. I'm just going to have to make sure I'm protected next time (and check my shoes just in case).

1st Man said...

OMG, I have to tell you, my Mom had the exact same thing happen to her. We were living in California at the time and she was raking and raked over a nest that was in the ground (not sure if they were hornets or yellow jackets or what but they had nest in the ground) and they went up her pant leg and my Dad used to always laugh telling the story that she was in her underwear by the time she got to the door! She would love to have known she wasn't alone! Sorry that happened to you, hope you were ok afterwards!

1st Man said...

Yeah, a snake, KNOCK ON WOOD, might have been a deal breaker, ha. I'm not sure though, the spider freaks me out too. At least the mouse was cute when he was on the ground. A spider would have been smashed, ha.

1st Man said...

I love your country neighbor...I can totally hear that. "country living" is right. But you know? It comes with the territory I suppose huh? Definitely not "zen", LOL!

1st Man said...

Initially, no, but as I saw on the porch, I started smiling and then I thought about it. It's always nice when we can look back and laugh, ha. I'll just make sure i'm tucked in and sealed up, ha. Of course what are the odds that it would happen again? Hmmm....yeah, duct tape sounds good. ;-)

1st Man said...

It's amazing how fast it can happen. I think it was maybe 10 seconds from fully clothed on the mower to, um, being "on the porch", ha.

1st Man said...

Yeah creepy furry things, no mater how cute, do not need to be in your clothing unexpectedly. It's ok, I'm glad you laughed and yeah, I'm pretty easy going and laid back. I only freaked out for a few minutes.

1st Man said...

Yeah yeah....ha. Sure have a laugh at my expense! LOL! Kidding, that's why I posted it, to share my pain with everyone else. We can all use a laugh now and then ha. Sure hope that snake didn't have babies! I'm just sayin'

1st Man said...

You know, every time I pull that cover off, I think about that. Coiled up in the seat or something. I never thought about it under the deck or even inside the engine compartment. They are looking for a cool shady space to sleep and if we make wake them up, they are liable to come out at any time. I must bang around next time. Thanks for the reminder!!

1st Man said...

That's a great way of putting it. I was definitely busting some penguin moves! LOL!!!!

1st Man said...

Thank you. Camera? It might have made this blog require an age membership to read, LOL! ;-P

1st Man said...

Glad you enjoyed and got a morning laugh! I couldn't resist the picture and doctoring it up. HA!

1st Man said...

I was hoping you'd stop by. Naked gardening huh? Are you sure it's safe to have, um, all of your parts exposed to things in the country? Seems like everything out there bites or stings or something, ha.

Tonya @ My Cozy Little Farmhouse said...

BAHAHAHAHAHHA...poor FM--that would have taken first prize in America's funniest home videos. I am glad you are (relatively) unscathed.

Much love!
Tonya

Judith said...

Garrison Keillor tells a story in one of his droll monologues about this very thing.

Bluestem said...

Funny story. It sounds like you were a sight to behold. Are your neighbors close enough to see and hear what goes on at your house? I can just hear the conversation between Maude and Wilbur. Wilbur: What’s all that ruckus out there, Maude? Maude: Oh, it’s just one of the city boys next door running around doing some kind of half naked dance again.

1st Man said...

Oh you know it! Yes, thanks for the comment I am unscathed, physically, though I do have an occasional flashback, ha. Much love back!! :-)

1st Man said...

Oh my gosh, I will have to seek this out (I'm sure his is much more entertaining, ha). He has some awesome stories. He's an icon in my opinion.

Hmm, maybe it's not so uncommon? ;-)

1st Man said...

Oh I was a sight, that's for sure. Luckily the only "neighbor" is 2nd Family (close friends we've known for so long we're part of the family), and they are over 2 acres away down the driveway at the front of the property. Phew, dodged a bullet there. Of course, when it was happening, I had no clarity of mind to check for people around, it just happened as it happened, ha.

Too funny, yep, this city boy was definitely crazed yet again! ha.

Thanks for stopping by, missed ya!

Lorilee said...

Oh my, now I will have nightmares about mice! Lol. At least it wasn't a scorpion! I've been stung 3 times in my bed. I have also learned that having chickens attracts chicken snakes. I find several a year in my coop! Each one takes a few more years off my life expectancy!
Blessings,
Lorilee

Jeanne said...

Hello, just found you blog. That was a funny mouse story, although I'm sure it wasn't funny at the time. I once lived in an old apartment building where I had a mouse visitor in my bedroom one day -- I grabbed a broom and put oven mits on my hands before trying to get rid of it -- the next door neighbors came over to help -- it must have been hilarious to them to see me running around like that. My sister has also had a mouse run up her draperies in her living room. Those little critters are amazingly agile!